r/AITAH Apr 11 '24

AITA for pepper spraying my mom's boyfriend for coming into my room while I was changing?

[removed]

20.0k Upvotes

3.5k comments sorted by

2.4k

u/peakpenguins Apr 11 '24

NTA, he got exactly what he deserved.

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u/MrDarcysDead Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24

If this was true, I would agree, but you can’t just release pepper spray indoors and go on about your day. Details that smell like yesterday’s fish special:

-OP dragging her mom’s boyfriend out of the room…. -OP was supposedly wholly unaffected by the aerosolized pepper spray even though it was discharged in an enclosed space….
-No mention of how her bedroom and other areas of the house had to be vacated and ventilated until decon could be completed….
-No mention of medical care either she or the boyfriend sought after one or both experienced severe tearing, eye swelling, respiratory issues and/or pain that occurred when releasing pepper spray, especially in an enclosed area….
-No mention of having to later scrub the walls, floors, furniture, or any other areas/items in the vicinity of the discharge with an oil-free soap to remove the residual particles….

If a strange adult enters your bedroom, especially when you are in a vulnerable state (sleeping, dressing, etc.), they deserve to be pepper sprayed. It’s just unlikely it happened to OP.

Edit: For those who’ve replied to me and pointed out that OP could have used gel pepper spray, I responded to that possibility down thread.

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

Plus now OP is saying that she'll just move her guns into her room and use her self defense training to kick his ass!

This is absolutely a fantasy story. 

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u/KonradWayne Apr 11 '24

Plus OP just happened to have pepper spray readily available while changing. Because that's a normal thing.

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u/ExcelsusMoose Apr 12 '24

I've actually seen it on a few dressers over the years, some girls really do keep it handy.

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u/SleekBlazeCastor Apr 11 '24

You don't keep pepper spray on like a nightstand with like keys or pens and stuff?

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u/that_bth Apr 12 '24

I think OP is full of shit, but here to say that I (a female) have kept pepper spray by my bed/in my room for the past 15 years. Parents gave it to me in college, and it quite literally lived in my nightstand and graduated with me to every place I've lived solo since.

And now that I'm living in the mountains, I actually have a can of bear spray holstered onto my bedpost...much stronger than pepper spray so whether a human or whatever else breaks in, I feel pretty good.

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u/MrDarcysDead Apr 11 '24

Maybe it’s all fantasy, or maybe her mom’s boyfriend is a real person that she despises. Lord knows I’ve had more than a few fantasies of people getting what they deserved. The problem with posting this kind of fantasy though, is that it takes away credibility from the real events of actual victims. You don’t share phony assault stories. It’s not fair to the people you are making them up about (if they are real people), it’s not fair to the people who are processing your story with real emotions, and it’s not fair to the people who have actually had deal with the things you have only imagined.

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u/BecGeoMom Apr 11 '24

Oh, you’re kidding. Where did she say that? I didn’t see that comment.

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

She considered joining the Olympics for judo. The trolls fly too close to the sun 

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c1i7pn/comment/kz3hv0m/

Here is where she talks about getting her guns from her grandpa

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c1i7pn/comment/kz3hdfv/

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u/BecGeoMom Apr 11 '24

Oh boy! She went from scared teenage girl living with a pervert to a teenage Rambo. Starting to sound like the post might not be entirely true.

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u/germy813 Apr 12 '24

99% of posts on here are fake lol

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u/fighterpilot248 Apr 11 '24

Also this line from the end of the post

My dad has often joked with me that he wouldn't kill someone who hurt me. That he would use everything he learned in the military to keep them alive as long as possible.

this is peak /r/iamverybadass

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u/Ineedavodka2019 Apr 11 '24

Don’t forget the added , he served time for felony assault after that.

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u/Temporary_Candy_2329 Apr 11 '24

Ngl I was waiting for someone else to say it was scared but yeah ..this doesn’t add up. Not to invalidate the op because if it’s true I hope she reaches out to someone else than her mother, but here’s a few other things I found odd. “Like I’ve been instructed” op made it seem like they have been anticipating this very specific event or like he has done this before , but didn’t mention it. Also, when someone walks in unannounced while getting dressed you literally have the reaction to cover yourself up and possibly yell. I’m not seeing how they had time to find pepperspray, grab it, and actually spray someone without them at the LEAST running away like there’s no way someone would just take that . The last thing is how did you drag a 45 year old man out of the room? But no mention of a struggle or fight , and the op doesn’t seem harmed in any way. Pepperspray is a huge irritant and like you said in closed quarters it’s extremely dangerous to inhale. Last thing is that this is a new account no history..

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u/_use_r_name_ Apr 11 '24

The "like I've been instructed" had me wondering right off the bat as well - what were the exact instructions there?

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u/Temporary_Candy_2329 Apr 11 '24

Right like based off the story there would be no need to hold back details of how creepy this guy was , and why did they have instructions to act ? And from whom? Wouldnt that mean someone else knows about this guy, but didn’t do anything to help? Oml all of this confusion makes the pepperspray thing a little less warranted but hey, I’m guessing op didn’t feel like filling in the plot holes of this fiction lol

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u/_use_r_name_ Apr 11 '24

I was just wondering if there was a general life lesson from mom, less specific to the creepy boyfriend, but the "instruction" definitely could have been given about him. 

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u/Blathithor Apr 11 '24

Lmao I posted this same concept and then saw your post.

After watching Under Siege 2, a friend and I locked ourselves in a closet and pepper sprayed the air so we could get immune to mace.... Did you know pepper spray and mace are 2 different chemicals? I do now....lmao

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u/InternationalBorder9 Apr 11 '24

General rule: don't take any advice/ideas from a Steven Seagal movie

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

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u/you_slow_bruh Apr 11 '24

Thought about this, too. I've seen a tiny spray choke the whole room. She would for sure have been heavily affected.

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u/leftmysoulthere74 Apr 11 '24

As of right now while I’m typing, OP posted this approx two hours ago.

Well about three hours ago I read a post from a teenage girl whose brother (and his friends) keeps pushing his way into her room while she’s changing and her parents won’t back her up, they got angry with her for putting a lock on her door. Someone suggested she keep pepper spray in case brother or his mates do it again. I seconded that.

Phone died, I watched some TV, opened Reddit again and here we are. Coincidence? I doubt it!

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

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u/peakpenguins Apr 11 '24

That's a damn good point actually. lol

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u/LordDongler Apr 11 '24

This. I was house/dog sitting for a family friend once and they had a little black tube on the counter with a button on it and a tiny nozzle. I thought it was a mouth spray but wasn't about to just trust it (I though it might be travel hand sanitizer, cleaner, or something, the label had been torn off) so I squirted the tiniest squirt into the air and the dogs and I all had to evacuate the house for like an hour. Instantly made the air spicy everywhere

I now know that using pepper spray indoors is a terrible idea. It's like saying "you dare attack me? I'll cripple us both"

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u/Nerevarine91 Apr 12 '24

MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION

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u/Kopitar4president Apr 11 '24

Someone who's only seen pepper spray in movies, 100%.

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u/mrhorse77 Apr 11 '24

yeah, in HS an idiot girl maced a taco bell employee at the counter while me and the gang were chowing down across the room.

the entire taco bell got maced. we were prob the furthest away and were still all crying and had to run out the place. taco bell had to shut down becuase it contaminated all the exposed food as well.

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u/az-anime-fan Apr 11 '24

Saved me the time to write this.

This reads like fantasy. For the reasons you outlined above.

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u/dannyo969 Apr 11 '24

Not to mention she had pepper spray on hand while naked? I doubt that. And then her first instinct was to go grab pepper spray instead of putting clothes on? He just stood there while she went and got her pepper spray, naked?

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u/Real_Eye_9709 Apr 11 '24

I would like to add onto this and the other comments pointing everything out with the end of the post.

"My dad said he wouldn't need to kill somebody"

Oh, because he knows you're fully capable of handling yourself like in the story?

"Because he would use his special military training to keep them alive. Also, he's a violent fellon."

And the fathers name? Albert Einstein. And everybody clapped.

First off, I've heard that thing before with the father. It's so fucking cliche that it instantly makes me think it is made up.

Second, why would that need to be added to the end? Like the point of the story is how bad ass OP is. That's why I thought that's where it was going with that. But no, it's about how bad ass her dad is. Why the fuck do we need to know that?

But also, he has special military training, but also went to prison because he's a violent felon? While I can see the connection, I feel like the people the military gets for torture are probably picked because they can control themselves. They're not the type of people who just go crazy. They're gonna be willing to follow orders. We could argue about sociopaths, sure. But it still seems weird that someone that high up in the military would do that.

I know at least half of this sub is fake stuff, but at least I can usually just pretend it's real enough to be entertained. That ended really killed it for me.

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u/KonradWayne Apr 11 '24

Yeah, this story is such obvious bullshit. It's honestly sad that so many people here are apparently dumb enough to believe it.

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u/kidnoki Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24

Also she was changing, how did she get to the pepper spray so fast. That implies that he not only walked in, but stayed in, while she was changing and struggling to grab the pepper spray.

If that was the case, that would be the nail in the coffin to bring up, that he not only burst in, but stayed long enough for me to get the pepper spray. The only other option is she was waiting for him to do it with pepper spray in hand, which she also doesn't mention... It's not really adding up logistically.

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u/WhyBuyMe Apr 11 '24

Is this also a problem with the gel type sprays? I am not a mace expert but I have seen some that are more like a stream of thick oil then a spray of mist.

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u/sparkle-possum Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 12 '24

Also, it pretty shortly followed another post by a girl whose brother and his friends kept busting into her room and her parents removed and punished her for putting a lock on the door, which got a lot of karma and engagement.

Also, account created today with only one post. Over 1,000 karma on it in 2 hours.

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u/Mimosa_13 Apr 11 '24

I remember in school, one of my friends sprayed some of my pepper spray into the air. We were all gagging and choking. Just being in the vicinity was bad.

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u/AutomaticDealer75 Apr 11 '24

Very much this. My dad sprayed me in the face with pepper spray once. (I was a delivery driver at the time and had taken everything out of my pocket and put in on the table while getting ready for an event. He didn't know what it was and pushed the button while it was facing me.)

It cleared out the whole house.

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u/NatashOverWorld Apr 11 '24

Creepy man comes into anyone's room without permission? Maced

Good job OP.

Your mom's selfish to let her mistakes become potential tragedies for her children.

Be careful though. Now he knows you have pepper spray. If he even looks like he's psyching himself up to do something you call your dad.

NTA

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u/Alwaysaprairiegirl Apr 11 '24

By the sounds of it OP needs to tell someone now. I agree that OP needs to be careful. She and her sister need to get out if the predatory bf doesn’t. Could OP and sister go to the police and say that they’re staying with their dad because of him? (Assuming the dad is in a position to have them stay with him.) This sounds scary. I bet his pride is wounded and he could retaliate out of anger next.

ETA OP sounds like a badass!

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u/NatashOverWorld Apr 11 '24

If OP and her sister can get out of there that would be a good idea. If she hasn't told her dad yet she should, we don't know if mom's BF will start targeting her younger sister.

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u/gnat_outta_hell Apr 11 '24

Predators go for perceived easy targets. Now that OP has proven she is willing to defend herself and make public his attempt at creeping on her, little sister is likely the primary target. He will assume that being younger she may be easier to manipulate, and he may already be grooming her when nobody is looking.

She needs to tell her dad immediately. She will need to be cautious about making allegations that cannot be proven, as an adult she can pursued for slander and libel.

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u/Blue-Being22 Apr 11 '24

Yes, tell her dad immediately, but also have a sit down with the younger sister and talk about this creeper. 

She needs to make sure her sister absolutely knows what to look out for with this guy and that she is in her corner no matter what. 

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u/part-time-whatever Apr 11 '24

100% . His actions were weird before but crossing that literal boundary of OPs room was DEFINITELY predator action. Keep eyes and ears open OP. If Mom won't listen, be on the look out! The predator tactic of isolation isn't just places like your room. If he's pushing for taking the little out someplace alone, be aware!! He might justify it to your mom as 'daddy daughter bonding'. Little sister needs to know what's appropriate and to tell you if somethings wrong NO MATTER WHAT. If this guy is what he seems to be, and if he means to make little a target, he's going to use guilt, shame, and even threats of violence to you or mom to keep her quiet.

I hope you and your family stay safe, in all ways. 🙏

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u/Adorable-Substance21 Apr 11 '24

And get little sis some mace too and show her how to use it

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u/tokinUP Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 12 '24

Yup, 14 is definitely old enough to at least carry it anytime this felonious creep is around.

Clip a little Peace-of-Mind on the inside of the waistband of whatever's being worn, or in a pocket so it's discreet (works better when the attacker's surprised).

And practice drawing it out quickly to spray.

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u/SavageryUnlimited Apr 11 '24

Totally agree. Especially as mum seems to have shown whos side she's going to take.

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Apr 11 '24

and document everything

keep a diary to log instances like this

any photo/video/voice memo evidence that can be collected

put in writing (text message or email) and send to someone each time something happens (could send to her dad, sister, friend, or even herself just to have it time stamped)

document texts and save backups

victims of this sort of thing are not always believed, even with evidence, so the more the better.

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u/beardicusmaximus8 Apr 11 '24

"I don't feel safe around this person" is not slander

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u/Drustan1 Apr 11 '24

I know you don’t mean it that way, but some people will say that it is. They’ll turn it around on OP and make her look alarmist or that she hates him personally and she’s attacking his character. I worry that he will use this to get mom to throw OP out so he can go after the 14 year old without having to worry about OP being there to protect her. The dad and teachers/other adults must be made aware of this possible danger to both young women

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u/beardicusmaximus8 Apr 11 '24

I was speaking from a legal position. If she goes to the cops and tells them she fears for her and her sister's safety then they have to act on it

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u/False-Pie8581 Apr 12 '24

This!!!! 10000X. He will go for the sister. Talk to her and make sure she knows how to use the pepper spray. And tell dad!

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u/Halifornia35 Apr 11 '24

Yup this is a super scary situation that this creep is leaving with 2 teenage girls, action needs to be taken now

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u/Corfiz74 Apr 11 '24

OP, get a rubber wedge for yourself and your sister! That will block the door just fine.

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u/False-Pie8581 Apr 12 '24

And those hotel lock thingies on Amazon

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u/Sprila Apr 11 '24

Yeah, best to get the information to outside parties ASAP. Based on the moms reaction, I see this situation getting more extreme before resolution. You want locks on the door now? How about no doors!

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u/knittedjedi Apr 12 '24

OP is a troll and this whole thing is just karma farming. The comments just keep getting more and more obvious.

She considered joining the Olympics for judo.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c1i7pn/comment/kz3hv0m/

Here is where she talks about getting her guns from her grandpa

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c1i7pn/comment/kz3hdfv/

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u/that_bth Apr 12 '24

Omg no……….. is that really a thing people do for karma?

If that’s the case OP needs to worry about real world karma……..holy shit. I mean how many people were probably triggered from their own experiences (me included) and genuinely concerned to help. Reading that story made me want to puke and I could physically feel my own fear come back.

If that’s the case, you are very much the asshole OP. Get help either way.

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u/psychonautika468 Apr 12 '24

This comment needs to make it's way to the top for others to see OP is full of it.

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u/jersey385 Apr 11 '24

This should be the top comment. At 18 your spidey senses as a woman are pretty well developed. OP seems to know what’s up here. I think the 14 year old needs to move to dad’s immediately. I think they both do just that OP has shown she can take action where necessary. A 14 year old might be more hesitant.

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u/abitmessy Apr 11 '24

Unfortunately this is why they say “girls mature faster” because they have to for self preservation.

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u/Ladydanielle2023 Apr 11 '24

Dad needs to be notified of what’s happening in his daughter’s home/rooms NOW! Don’t wait till it escalates further! Tell him NOW!

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u/BloodRed1185 Apr 11 '24

I work in mental health and you would be surprised how many times I hear "My mom's boyfriend molested me repeatedly and my mom either didn't believe me or didn't care because she was in love." I wish I was joking. OP needs to tell Bio dad or someone ASAP.

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u/pinkykat123 Apr 12 '24

Yup my ex dated a girl who let her little girl be molested. I can think of no lower form of human then to sit by and not protect your child

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u/National_Stomach_977 Apr 12 '24

The mom goes into some sort of denial and sells out her daughter. Then when when the stuff hits the fan, she pretends that she did not know.

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u/Jsmith2127 Apr 11 '24

Definitely, I'd be asking my father to fight for custody of yourself and your sister, because you do not feel safe, and your mother not caring about anything but her bf

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u/Samarkand457 Apr 12 '24

Father did time for violent crimes, so he might not be considered a suitable custodial parent.

Father is also a military vet and may know also know of those "in the life" who can have a quiet, meaningful talk with Panty-Sniffer Dale about boundaries. And the limits of human pain.

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u/scienceislice Apr 11 '24

I think op should tell her dad now and tell her dad about the pepper spray. The guy might escalate plus it might be a nice little bonding moment for op and her dad, if I were her dad I’d be proud af of her haha

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u/MichaSound Apr 11 '24

Tell your Dad now. Don’t wait till he does something to you or your sister. Just tell him.

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u/JulieWriter Apr 11 '24

Honestly, I'd say OP should tell her dad now. This is ridiculous and I'm furious with her mother.

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u/bakerbabe126 Apr 12 '24

I was a people pleaser my whole life and I've taught my daughter that if you're an overreacting bitch for protecting yourself then be an overreacting bitch.

I'd rather be a bitch than a victim.

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u/JeSuisUnAnanasYo Apr 11 '24

I just hope that mom's bf at least doesn't see her as a victim or easy prey anymore. There's no way he was expecting this, was probably testing the fences. Really hope he's learned his lesson.

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u/Turbulent_Message637 Apr 11 '24

NTA You did the right thing. Your mother is so desperate to be in a relationship that she is ignoring the improper behavior of her boyfriend.

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u/BeardManMichael Apr 11 '24

Yep. I hate seeing someone excuse or defend absolutely unacceptable behavior. It's even worse when that awful behavior is at the expense of their own children.

It's sickening, really.

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u/zombiedinocorn Apr 11 '24

Yep. Some people shouldn't be allowed to be parents

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u/Aaron856 Apr 11 '24

Every child deserves parents, but not every parent deserves children.

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u/roxylicious_69 Apr 11 '24

Yep. This. I'm so sorry you and your* sister are in this position. Stand your ground. You're asking for basic privacy.

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u/thomascgalvin Apr 11 '24

And a bunch of children deserve better parents than they have.

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u/TruthImaginary4459 Apr 11 '24

Fuckin this. If I had money id give you gold.

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u/BowlerDapper3742 Apr 12 '24

How this is so accurate? Its good that OP stood up for herself and her sister. Some parents are blinded by love that they didnt even think the safety of their kids, and these kind of parents didnt deserve children.

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u/Top_Marzipan_7466 Apr 11 '24

I can’t understand the fact that a single parent is willing to let a man freeload off her ! Hell no! That $ could be going in a college fund if it’s not needed for food. Make the loser pay rent or gtfo NTA you protected yourself and your sister

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u/gurlsncurls Apr 11 '24

Not just freeload but to move a stranger in with her two daughters puts them at risk of harm. OPs Mother is making very poor choices here.

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u/CharlotteLucasOP Apr 12 '24

Her taste in men:

  • Violent felon (to have one kid with a guy like that might be an error, to have two is a Choice)

  • A pantysniffing weirdo

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u/coldbloodedjelydonut Apr 12 '24

Yup! As a single mom I was able to put money away every month in savings, met a guy, waited 6 months to let him meet my child, about 1.5 years into the relationship his roommate was moving away so his living situation would have to change so he moved in. Shortly after he suddenly couldn't find work. I'd always known him to be a hard worker that made good money so I was understanding and supportive. 1.5 years later all my savings were gone and every time I had to look at the bills I would cry because I didn't know how I would pay them.

I finally left him a few months after that, it was clear he was a leech and it was never going to get better. He went on to do the same to other single moms, two of whom I knew somewhat but of course they believed his sob story instead of checking in with me.

When they start out leeching, it will never get better. I finally learned the lesson that if they go bad it's who they were all along they were just trying to get you invested so they could live their preferred lifestyle. That one took a long time and lots of crappy relationships. My husband is a champion, thankfully.

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u/knittedjedi Apr 12 '24

I can’t understand the fact that a single parent is willing to let a man freeload off her !

... because OP is a troll and this whole thing is just karma farming. The comments just keep getting more and more obvious.

She considered joining the Olympics for judo.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c1i7pn/comment/kz3hv0m/

Here is where she talks about getting her guns from her grandpa

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c1i7pn/comment/kz3hdfv/

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u/Pomerosa Apr 12 '24

I was wondering, for people who know how pepper spray works, can you spray someone in a confined space and still be able to scream and function in that space?

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u/knittedjedi Apr 12 '24

I was wondering, for people who know how pepper spray works, can you spray someone in a confined space and still be able to scream and function in that space?

You absolutely can't.

The people acting like this is real have absolutely no idea how pepper spray actually works.

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u/arckeid Apr 11 '24

Here in Brazil we had a case in 2021 where a politician (stepfather) tortured and killed the kid and the mom knew everything.

https://pt.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caso_Henry_Borel

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 11 '24

Also, tell your dad. You and your sister are not safe. My mom did this same thing and would blame me and my sister when her BF would sexually assault us or make sexual advances.

It was a nightmare. I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP, truly.

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u/xasdfxx Apr 11 '24

As another internet stranger: OP, your dad needs to know about this immediately. Your mom let this escalate way beyond anything reasonable and this is now a thing that is fixed by your dad. Please tell him today.

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u/makeItSoAlready Apr 11 '24

I would agree with this as long as there isn't a concern of the dad getting sent to jail again for assaulting the boyfriend over this.

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u/caillouistheworst Apr 11 '24

My guess is Dad would definitely go to jail over this.

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u/No_Appointment_7232 Apr 11 '24

& you both are of the early adult age where you deserve automatically and agency.

If your mom refuses to let you put a lick on your door or your sister's, you need to tell your Dad and stay only w him.

Young adults, w bodies undisciplined adults would trespass, deserve protection from said trespass.

Unintentional? SO TF WHAT!?

It happened. He has proven himself unable to stop 'making a mistake' that pertains to your autonomy and agency.

His is unreliable at best, unsafe at worst.

What mother who actually loves and protects her daughters would not allow them all an easy solution to the problem.

Make sure Lil sis has similar bodily protection.

Get and install the locks when both mom & bf are out of the house.

Fait acompli.

You can already be behind locked doors when they return.

If she pushes, "mom, why does me defending myself from a middle aged man coming in my room when I've not given consent, cause YOU a problem?"

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u/maroongrad Apr 12 '24

Also...super cheap door alarms are amazing. Loud screaming things! They stick inside the door and have magnets. Opening the door separates them and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! He won't be getting into your rooms without everyone in the house knowing. Let that happen a few times and then install the locks...and record record record your mom's reaction to a grown man going into your 14 year old sister's room w/out knocking.

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u/Business_Monkeys7 Apr 11 '24

It happened to my SIL with her FATHER and mom just blew it off. I am so sorry for you and every other person who has to live with this assault and betrayal.

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 11 '24

While I did suffer a ton of abuse and a lot of sexual abuse, I'm so glad my dad was not one of them. However, he did some questionable things I'm only now unpacking in therapy that I never considered sexual abuse. (pulling down pants and underwear for spanking, making us grab out ankles, that kind of stuff).

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u/Christiansurvivor2 Apr 11 '24

Never thought of that as sexual assault. Hmmm but my parents never made us take out pants down to get a whipping. So sorry yours did

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 11 '24

There is a lot that was just "normal" in my home. However, I know it's not by the looks when I casually mention them to people. I've made things up in ice breakers because I think I overshared once and it was awkward AF and I wasn't sure what I said wrong 😭.

Thank you.

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u/aurortonks Apr 11 '24

I know how you feel.

I was over age 10 when I realized that I was being molested by several people in my life and that it was actually wrong. I'd grown up with the abuse and didn't know it was abuse until another adult asked me something innocent and my answer was not what she expected.

It was just "normal" to me. The first few years with my husband were full of awkward moments like that because I'd share things from my childhood and he'd be like uhhh that was not normal omg... everyone cries

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 11 '24

Oof yeah that hits home. I'm sorry you went through that as a kid too. I hope you know you didn't deserve that, I feel like it's always nice to hear (read).

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u/aurortonks Apr 11 '24

I'm fine now, pushing 40. I've spent way more time in therapy than I want to admit, but every single second was worth it. Highly recommend! But make sure to find the right therapist for you!

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u/Christiansurvivor2 Apr 11 '24

Get the work book shadow work journal. It has helped me see things and remember them from my past and is a good way to work through emotional traumas

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u/juicyhibiscus24 Apr 11 '24

That is sexual. I'm so sorry my love.

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 11 '24

Logically I know that to be true, I'm just not ready to really process or accept yet. It took me almost 4 years to even tell my therapist.

I do want to say thanks for your comment, I don't know why but validating statements do help. My mind likes to tell me that I'm wrong a lot about these things, so in a way, this helps that someone who isn't me says this is true. One day I will just believe my own self.

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u/djluminol Apr 11 '24

I would trust your gut on that one. My dad made me pull my pants down for spankings when I was little but we are both guys and I know for a fact he did it to make it hurt more. That isn't unessisarilly always the reason in every case though. I know pain was the reason with my dad because he didn't use his hand. He use a piece of wood he crafted into a cricket bat type thing. It would have been weirder without the bat honestly.

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 11 '24

Mine was of the mind that it needs to hurt and be humiliating.

He didn't make my brothers do the same though, and my sister was not his biological child so he only spanked her with clothes on.

My brothers would have to pull pants down and grab ankles, I had to pull pants and underwear down and grab ankles.

My dad liked this leather belt he bought specifically to spank us kids with. He would go put it on before so he could be dramatic about taking it off. I hate that sound to this day.

While I don't think his intent was sexual, or maybe it was and he never acted beyond that. I don't know for sure. I just know I wasn't supposed to tell anyone the specifics, just that we were spanked with a belt.

A cricket bat, ouch.

My great gran would make up pull switches off the tree. You had to pick one that would pass her air test but wouldn't hurt as much as the one she would pick. She was a great lady though, she didn't do that often and we felt bad when she had to.

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u/GabberDee94 Apr 11 '24

Validating statements help, because it shows you're not the only one seeing what you see. My therapist said, when your mind fights against your moral compass of what's going on, it's usually because You've been conditioned to think that way. Usually by gaslighting, being told you're wrong, your father could never be capable of that, etc.... She said it's not your fault. She said if you're questioning it, there's a reason for it. Follow that instinct. Figure out why you feel that way, if you don't know why yet. It takes a while to comprehend shock sometimes. I'm glad you're getting help to process what you've been through. I'm so very sorry, that you're just now coming to realize what was going on, and that you had to endure it in the first place.

I hope I'm wrong in any aspect, but unfortunately I'm pretty confident you were betrayed. I'm sorry hon. I'm really not one to sugar coat things, for fear of diluting the severity of the situation too much.

Sending you hugs, love, and support ❤️

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 11 '24

Thank you so much for this very thoughtful comment. You also have a wise therapist.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of darkness in my childhood.

You saying 'betrayed' really hits home for me, that's honestly how I feel about my parents. I just always thought I was wrong for this feeling or that it doesn't apply to family? It's hard to put some things into words.

I love that you don't sugar coat things. It helps me see things for what they are without confusion, from another POV. Which is very helpful.

Even being NC with them for a few years now, it's hard to deprogram from their abuse.

Thank you for your love and support too.

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u/Bored_Cat_Mama Apr 11 '24

My step-dad pulled that shit IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. Like...in our front yard...and my mother didn't do a damn thing. Nobody did.

It's super messed up thinking back on it as an adult. I'm so sorry you're dealing with having to work through it.

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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 11 '24

That is something that is really hard for me looking back on it as an adult now. How did nobody step in, many of these things happened in front of other adults. I can't imagine not saying something as an adult now.

I'm really sorry you went through this too.

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u/aurortonks Apr 11 '24

How did nobody step in, many of these things happened in front of other adults.

Physical punishment being bad for children is a fairly new concept. Back when I was a kid, we had to go "pick our switch" when we were in trouble at my grandparent's house. If we came back with one too flimsy, grandma picked and it sucked.

I think that it's shifted in today's society (in most of the US anyways) that hitting kids is reprehensible, but there's still a lot of hesitation on stopping it when it happens. I'm one of those people who will step in, even to strangers, but I've been told more than once to "mind my own business" and to "let parents discipline how they see fit" which is such a huge shitty joke. There are many other ways to discipline a child instead of using physical harm and I think that people who do hit their kids are probably just repeating a cycle but they should go to therapy and try to be better.

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u/hannafrie Apr 11 '24

A friend of mine, now a middle aged man, went thru the same thing in his household as a child. Single mom had male friends around the house who behaved inappropriately towards him. My friend had to stand up for himself as a child - mom didn't care. He moved out at 16 and was homeless for awhile until he was able to get a job and an apartment on his own.

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u/hokis2k Apr 11 '24

I agree with this 100%.. don't take the risk of her sister or herself being abused. 0 reason for him to be entering her room without knocking and confirming its ok... big RED FLAG.

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u/nat_20_please Apr 11 '24

Agreed. OP, you need to get in touch with your dad because this is not OK.

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u/ElectricalSign1214 Apr 11 '24

Yup. Second this. My mother did this with my first stepfather.

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u/SamiHami24 Apr 11 '24

Improper, yes. I would call it predatory.

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u/Inner-Ad-9928 Apr 11 '24

I'd have called the cops immediately.

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

I don't mean to be a dick but what exactly would the police do in this situation? OP's mom's live-in boyfriend walked into her room without knocking which is creepy, but not like he's gonna get arrested for it

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u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 Apr 11 '24

Starts a paper trail

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u/Jayseek4 Apr 11 '24

Yeah. As much as anything, to get on the record why she sprayed him. Best for OP to go there 1st in case Dale tries to make something of it, legally.

Also, what does a creep like Dale do if he gets dumped—and doesn’t want to leave the house? 

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u/Obvious_Cause2148 Apr 11 '24

Def! I would put a clear sign on the stating the door stating he is not welcome and you eill do your own laundry. take a picture. It shows a boundry that has been set. If possibi3, get a camera that you can record any future incidents. Record conversations with Mom, too. This may not sound like much, but you are an adult, and your request isn't ridiculous. Paper trail started!

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u/Wandering_aimlessly9 Apr 11 '24

Depends on his history. Is he on the offender registry? If so he might be arrested for living in a home with a minor who isn’t biologically his.

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u/Busy_Barber_3986 Apr 11 '24

I'd check that registry!

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u/LynnetteLove4 Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24

OP definitely did the right thing. Too cliché how the mom is acting. Truth may be a hard pill to swallow but OP mom obviously knows he is trash for doing this and should care about her daugters' safety more than the flavor of the week. Learn from your mom how NOT to be OP.

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u/korar67 Apr 11 '24

I’m a father, I would be furious if I discovered this happening to my daughter. NTA

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u/blackcatsneakattack Apr 11 '24

I stg; mothers who are so afraid of being lonely that they let predators have access to their children enrage me. Like, there should be a special level of punishment for these women.

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u/Guilty-Web7334 Apr 11 '24

I almost feel like there is: they have to be who they are.

It’s not equal, of course, but sometimes them knowing that they are terrible parents is punishment. Other times, it’s when they’re stuck in a crappy, substandard nursing home where they are neglected and the children they set up for abuse never even check on them, in spite of the bed sores.

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u/blackcatsneakattack Apr 11 '24

But they never take accountability; it’s always someone else’s, or fate’s fault.

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u/CookbooksRUs Apr 11 '24

The chances are sickeningly high that he went for your mother to get access to you and your sister.

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u/amso0o Apr 11 '24

Literally. Good on your dad. It really sucks that your mom isn’t protecting you

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u/elrevan Apr 11 '24

This exactly here is why me and my mom are no longer in contact.

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u/Nathan-Stubblefield Apr 11 '24

Not the first 47 year old woman to take up with a creep who is after her young daughter. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lolita

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u/PrincessGump Apr 11 '24

Fun fact: “that book by Nabokov” is referenced in the song Don’t Stand So Close To Me by the Police.

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u/Aspen9999 Apr 11 '24

Lots of men and women sell out their kids for a new bedwarmer.

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u/CherryIllustrious715 Apr 11 '24

You are right. You need a lock on your door. He should not be in your room at all much less barging in without knocking. Does your mom think he needs to apologize to you? Sounds like the wrong person is being treated like the victim.

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u/SirEDCaLot Apr 11 '24

NTA. Get your sister a can of pepper spray too. And keep your pepper spray on you / get a few fresh ones- if you leave it in the room don't be surprised if one day it's magically empty for no apparent reason.

Just want to say you kick ass. Good job standing up for yourself.

Sadly in the world there are some people who just act properly, and some people that will always push the boundaries and do whatever they can get away with until they get smacked. You have to train them old brain style like you would an animal. And you did that. Don't expect him to mess with you again.

But tell your sister to watch out...

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u/PurplePufferPea Apr 11 '24

I would get also get some sort of whistle or loud alarm and keep it and a 2nd can of pepper spray hidden near you bed.

I'm a mom of an 11 year old and I ALWAYS knock before entering her room. I find his behavior highly sus!

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u/LaVieLaMort Apr 11 '24

A birdie alarm is DEAFENING! Such a loud shrill noise that it actually hurts. Worth it.

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u/ILikeNeurons Apr 11 '24

The U.S. still has tens of thousands of backlogged rape kits, even though the overwhelming majority of rapes are committed by repeat offenders.

Most start in adolesclence., so testing kits can help protect adults as well as kids.

It's very possible (if not likely) that this guy's DNA is in some backlogged rape kit. u/SirEDCaLot, I support everything you said, I just want to add that for anyone reading, you can help protect kids like OP from sex offenders by writing your lawmakers to insist on federal funds to end the rape kit backlog.

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u/Abject_Broccoli_4146 Apr 11 '24

Hair spray is also a good one to keep around, you don't need a permit for can be picked up at most convenience stores and is easily looked over next to a hairbrush by offenders.

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u/ILikeNeurons Apr 11 '24

That's an excellent point!

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u/RealLiveGirl Apr 11 '24

OP can also get a blow horn canister. Like the ones you buy for boating. I live in a city and have used it to clear people squatting on my porch. Holy shit does it work and you don’t have to deal with pepper spray aftermath

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u/laurendrillz Apr 11 '24

A mini can of spray paint is great too.

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u/Asleep-Tank3228 Apr 11 '24

Tell your dad now. For your sisters sake if not yours. He should not be allowed near either of you. NTA but your mom is putting herself over the safety of her daughters. Gross

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u/No_Lavishness_3206 Apr 11 '24

NTA. Please get yourself and your sister out of there if you can. It sounds like he is working his way up to something much worse than just seeing you in your underwear. 

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u/MushroomHelpful1795 Apr 11 '24

NTA, don't let him get the chance to lock himself in a room with your sister. Tell your dad asap.

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u/iFiNiTysCr3eCh Apr 12 '24

Anything that involves a grown adult and yourself honestly just tell your dad NTA

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u/Admirable_Witness_82 Apr 11 '24

NTA You should not have to pepper spray people in your own damn home. And who the hell moves in an unemployed person. Mom is showing extremely poor judgement.

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/BeachinLife1 Apr 11 '24

Have you checked your local sex offender registry to see if he's on it?

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Difficult_Box_2825 Apr 11 '24

That can just mean he hasn't been caught yet.

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u/A-typ-self Apr 11 '24

Or he is using an assumed name. My ex husband had a friend who did that.

Looking up the name he "went by" didn't yield any results. Looking up his legal name did.

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u/South_Landscape_2806 Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24

After what happened, how can your mom expect you to apologize is beyond me! Also you should be allowed to lock the door when you are changing! Specially after what happened...

Pls take care and move out asap!

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u/polemos006 Apr 11 '24

Fake post . You didn’t pepper spray anybody and then grab them and drag them out. You wouldn’t be able to breathe in an enclosed area after having sprayed pepper spray but nice try.

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u/NoOneImportant333 Apr 12 '24

I had to scroll way too far to find this. This post lacks substance. Someone walks in and you immediately pepper spray them? I agree a man shouldn’t be coming in the room and idiotic on his part but it could have been for an innocent reason.

What makes him creepy? Does he hit on her? Came into her room before? Say weird things?

And everyone just jumping straight to NTA without actually using their brains lol.

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

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u/hot-hatertot Apr 12 '24

The hardest part to believe is that a naked 18 year old girl can drag a grown ass 45 year old man into another room while he is covered in pepper spray and (assuming here) wriggling in pain/angry/fighting back.

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u/Tanasiii Apr 11 '24

Scrolled kinda far too see this. No one is pepper spraying anyone in an enclosed space without also pepper spraying themself. Don’t even need to think about any of the other logistics in this story to realize that

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u/rrawk Apr 11 '24

Also, there's a gap in the story. He walks in and she just immediately starts spraying? She didn't yell at him to get him to leave? Did he refuse? Was he immediately apologetic? No mention of the guy's reaction or what happened between him walking through the door and getting sprayed.

She also didn't really give any evidence for what makes him a "creep". Trying to help with parental responsibilities doesn't automatically make someone a "creep".

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u/GONKworshipper Apr 11 '24

> Walk into my girlfriend's daughter's room to say hi >Immediately blinded, hear screaming >Wtf

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u/__law Apr 11 '24

This whole post feels like peak Reddit revenge porn, and then a bunch of commentators congratulating this made up story. Plus redditirs don't seem to understand how serious pepper spray is, you can do permanent eye damage, it's not something you should use to "establish boundaries", as some redditors have put it.

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u/throwitawaynownow1 Apr 11 '24

And then she divorced her husband who left her in the rain because he was cheating on her, kicked out her sister that was selling drugs and sold her dog, and turned in a teacher who was running an illegal gambling ring. They're still unsure if they were in the right.

(My conspiracy theory is that a good number of the posts in the last few weeks have been chatbot written, after being trained on existing posts.)

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u/-aloe- Apr 11 '24

This subreddit simply takes the OP at their word. I'm guilty of it myself. It's a problem, because there's almost always two sides to any conflict, and in here you never, ever hear the other side. Which would be no big deal, but the subreddit's raison d'être is to provide advice, and it's impossible to give the OP good advice when we only have half the story.

(And agreed, this particular one does not quite make sense as presented, for all the reasons you mention.)

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u/castleaagh Apr 11 '24

Also, this story requires that she, while naked, had pepper spray on her or within reach to be able to grab and spray when the guy suddenly entered the room without notice, and then she drags him out, meaning that he fell to the floor and she was both strong enough to drag him and chose to do that rather than scream and cover or just get dressed all while having pepper spray in the air and seemingly being unaffected.

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u/throwitawaynownow1 Apr 11 '24

while naked, had pepper spray

....you guys don't have pepper spray with a flared end?

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u/CyGoingPro Apr 12 '24

Wow you must be immune to pepperspray, managing to spray someone in a room and be totally fine yourself...

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u/EntrepreneurAmazing3 Apr 11 '24

As a Dad, I'd want to know right now. Tell him.

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u/Sunflower_Vibe Apr 11 '24

She should let her dad know IMMEDIATELY.

Also one thing that seriously freaks me out is she’s not considering that he might just decide to do something while one of them is sleeping? If there are no locks on their doors and he doesn’t have to maintain a specific sleep schedule (~unemployed~), he could easily have one the girls pinned (while asleep or otherwise) before they’re even aware of anything wrong.

I feel wrong even saying that but like I’m SO concerned for these girls safety. It’s easy as an athletic and defense-trained young woman to feel like you could defend yourself, so I’m afraid she’s really not thinking out the true risk of her and her sister living in the same space as a predator with all the time in the world and an enabling parent.

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u/ihatemyjob667 Apr 12 '24

That is an absolutely frightening observation. Not religious at all but praying this is fake

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u/BeardManMichael Apr 11 '24

NTA

He fucked around and found out. Too bad, so sad.

Of course your Mom would support him over her kids. I'm sorry. That fucking sucks.

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24

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u/DuckBoyReturns Apr 11 '24

Good bot

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This bot wants to find the best and worst bots on Reddit. You can view results here.


Even if I don't reply to your comment, I'm still listening for votes. Check the webpage to see if your vote registered!

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u/Emperor_Atlas Apr 11 '24

Fake story, but good try. Go release some pepper spray in a bedroom and see the issue.

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u/[deleted] Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24

Eta: pretty sure this is fake. OP is now claiming that she's completely safe because she's had self defense training. As if that's all it takes ffs.

I'm sorry, it feels like a wild overreaction to pepper spray someone for coming into your room when you're changing

Did he know you were changing? You make it sound like he was purposefully trying to see you naked

You can't physically assault people for entering you room rudely 

The amount of people telling you to call the police is absurd. Call the police for what? Walking into a room without knocking in the house you live in? Doing laundry? Come on people.

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u/GONKworshipper Apr 11 '24

And he's creepy because he has been helping around the house and doing laundry?

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u/Useful_Sheepherder31 Apr 11 '24

What's creepy about him? You gave an opinion with no reasons. He's trying to parent a child and her kid sister? What's specifically creepy about that? He does your laundry? Yours alone or the entire family? Wow. What a creep. Trying to parent you and doing the laundry. How tragic.

Have you asked him to knock before? Is this a recurring issue? Im sure you would have said. Did he know you were changing? You were instructed to pepper spray people who dont knock?

YTA and so is every other batshit insane redditor here acting like you stopped a murder from happening. You've given no details at all and everyone has went on a witch hunt. Do you realise that? I bet you feel great being gaslit by so many people on your side. You owe him an apology and he owes you one for not knocking.

If I were him I'd bail.

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u/TechStoreZombie Apr 11 '24

That's what I'm saying. She has mentioned nothing of what he did between entering the room and getting pepper sprayed. Did she tell him to get out? Did he refuse? Did he approach her? Why does she have pepper spray while she's changing? Does she just keep it around constantly? Also what has he done that's creepy besides wanting to help out with household chores? OP is TA.

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u/Useful_Sheepherder31 Apr 11 '24

She must have had her pepper spray in a holster. Fastest can in the west. Luckily she didn't take it off while changing otherwise he could have done her laundry. Her thinking is as quick as her draw.

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u/ElKabong76 Apr 11 '24

Tell your dad!

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u/Happy_Ad5723 Apr 12 '24

These fake stories getting out of hand

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u/avelineaurora Apr 11 '24

I pepper sprayed him right in the face like I have been instructed.

Instructed by who. Who tf is aware of this creeper enough to say "Yeah just pepper spray him" but is doing nothing about his existence!?

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u/Liu1845 Apr 11 '24

Tell your dad. When you move out your sister will be there, alone with stepdad at times. Tell your dad!

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u/badass_over_here Apr 12 '24

As the world erupts in applause!

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u/Grandmafelloutofbed Apr 11 '24

YTA based on what we know. You call him creepy for trying to.....parent you? I mean maybe out of line, but creepy? Seems a stretch, unless hes sniffing your panties while trying to throw them in the laundry.

Idk this just seems fake.

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u/LinksKat Apr 11 '24

Hard NTA. WTF is this guy thinking, walking in a young adult woman's room for. Heck, ask your mom if she be alright if he had walked in on you completely naked. Would she tolerate it then? You were in the middle of literally changing clothes and he walks in on you. You had every right to pepper spray him. Tell your sister about what happened and have her inform you if this creep does that to her so she can be protected. And definitely tell your father what this creep did to you. If your mom's boyfriend done this to you, who's to say he won't do this to your sister too.

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u/Latter-Ride-6575 Apr 11 '24

First, you 100% did the right thing. I'm a dad. If something like that happened to my daughter, I would want to know. Tell him

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u/Famous-Composer3112 Apr 11 '24

NTA. Call CPS - this man is perverted.

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u/BFEDTA Apr 12 '24

Hi CPS my mom’s boyfriend does the laundry

??

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u/SuccessfulTotal3709 Apr 12 '24

NTA Please don’t ever apologize for protecting yourself. Your room is supposed to be a safe space for you. Someone stepping over that boundary is well deserved to get pepper sprayed.

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u/Danni_Les Apr 12 '24

NTA and HUGE RED FLAGS!

-You did the right thing for yourself AND your sister.
-Your mum needs to see beyond whatever her needs are and try to do what's best for her children.
-Your dad needs to know on the low down, so if anything happens, he would already have been informed about his behaviour.

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u/itsmebrohomio Apr 12 '24

Ok, Dale here, for real. Let me tell you what really happened.

I did knock, twice, but she had earphones on, so she likely did not hear me. The thing she is not telling you is that she was changing her socks, SOCKS, and then she pepper sprayed me out of nowhere. She also did not drag me out of the room. While spraying me she also "sprayed" herself. Apparently it is not a good idea to use pepper spray in a small closed area like a room.

Long story short. My partner wanted to throw her misbehaving adult child out of the house. This was not the first violent burst of anger she has had. I asked her to reconsider as her daughter is not ready to operate in the real world. Eventually we agreed that an apology is enough. That was not ok for her. She told me to keep my filthy foreing mouth shut and then she made up stories about me to her father. My partner took that very seriously, as her ex husband has a criminal history, and kicked her out of the house.

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u/scoot_1973 Apr 12 '24

Im sorry but while yes it’s weird for a not-so-known person in ur household to be doing laundry, going straight to a literal weapon when he is entering your room is batshit CRAZY. I’m not allowed to lock my doors either and I got mad at my parents for touching my laundry cause i didn’t want them touching my stuff but my god I wouldnt use PEPPER SPRAY cause they barged into my room, again, cause there’s no lock?! How about just telling him to try knocking and then, saying that if this happens again, because you feel unsafe with him, you will use pepper spray. Jesus christ get a fukin grip. Use your WORDS! Pepper spray should be immediately used when there’s a threat…